Last week I had a come to Jesus meeting, with Jesus & myself. The prayer & conversation that I had with the Lord, which lasted over the course of a few days was well needed, refreshing, and so rejuvenating. I feel like a new woman.
I hiked up Kennesaw mountain early one morning by myself because I wanted to see the sun rise, talk to God, and read my daily devotional book. When I tell you that scene was so breathtaking and beautiful. Seeing the sun rise over those mountains, over the city of Kennesaw, made me feel so small. And I was instantly reminded of the magnitude of the Lord and how he has blessed me, in spite of me.

See I have been struggling with my flesh. The desires of my flesh and all those feelings associated with it, such as jealousy, anger, pettiness, greed, etc. When I say I have been struggling, I mean I have literally been fighting against selfish thoughts and acts. However, this doesn’t mean that I haven’t given in to these things. Because I have. But, in those moments when I let my flesh win, I have felt so conflicted and not at peace. Saturday I told my boyfriend we were going to church no matter what. He overslept, I tried to wake him up, and when he finally woke up there was only about 30 minutes left before church ended. & I hate being late, so once again I succumbed to my flesh and just said I would stay home. However, he went to get dressed and came back to pick me up. And we went to church, late and all. But the message we received was well needed and for me, it further explained the feelings and emotions I had been dealing with. The message clarified everything for me in a way that I wouldn’t have been able to do on my own.

The guest speaker preached from two very powerful scriptures. However, the one that stood out most to me was Ephesians 4:31-32
³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
And these verses deeply touched me because I have been holding onto bitterness and rage, all those emotions and feelings of my flesh. I’ve been choosing to hold onto these emotions and not be forgiving or not letting go. But Christ has forgiven me, he continues to forgive me. So why can’t I? 
It was there at church, listening to these words, listening to the speaker share her story and how she has forgiven, that I realized I had been holding onto my flesh and that I had to and needed to let go and forgive because if I didn’t, I would continue to feel conflicted and bothered. 

See, the thing I have been lacking is focus. I have been focused on every other thing but the Lord. And these emotions have weighted me down. However, since last week, and especially since Sunday, I have been making a conscious effort to talk to the Lord. I have been praying daily, multiple times a day, and I praise him. I talk to him in the morning in my bed, on the way to work, in the shower, and when I get ready to go to bed. Things I could have been doing before, but because I felt so “busy,” I didn’t. I lost my focus. And even though I’m doing better, I can still do more. Focus more.

But I have been feeling so amazing lately. I am actively making an effort to be obedient to God, in spite of what my flesh wants. He has comforted me and eased all worry, doubt, anxiety, etc. It is not easy, but I am willing to sacrifice and grow. I know that God will strengthen me and encourage me.
What are you focused on? Have you lost your focus? The good news is, God loves us regardless of when we fall short of him. So begin anew today, and each day. Talk to the Lord and thank him, watch how he uplifts you and moves in your life. I guarantee you will see a change, I have.

My mind has been wandering all week about what I should write about, so much so that when I was studying for one of my finals, I wanted to stop and write a blog. I had a topic in mind, but I didn’t want to “go there.” But here I am going there. And if you know me, like really know me, you know that this going there isn’t easy for me. It’s scary to share but I hope that it helps any of you reading this.

I’ve never been one to not be in tune with my feelings. Unless it means sharing with others, that’s something I don’t do. I don’t want to appear weak. But being in tune with your feelings, expressing them and not pushing them aside is actually a sign of strength and not weakness. So here goes, here’s my story.

I have never been one to “fit in” with the “in” crowd. And I am about to tell you why. I was always bullied, beginning in elementary school. I was natural back before natural became a part of popular culture. Meaning, I was one of few natural girls in school, meaning I only got my hair straightened once a month if that. Now, imagine if all of the girls have perms (or relaxers, whichever term you prefer) and you’re the one rocking that puffy pony tail which was considered “nappy.” I’ll never forget one day on the bus when it was raining and I was sitting in the last seat on the bus next to the window, next to one of the baddest boys in my third grade class. He told me to put the window up, but this was my first time on the bus, I didn’t know how to, and didn’t want to try & fail. So I sat there. Even though he was about to get off, even though it wasn’t raining hard, even though he was bald, he said, “Well it doesn’t matter cause your head is nappy anyways so get wet.” I was in the third grade and those words stung so bad and stayed with me longer than I knew.

In middle school, I got picked on for being “too light,” which made me self-conscious about my skin and myself in general. My skin color was compared to packets of mustard and my “blackness” was questioned. It shouldn’t have bothered me, because I know that I am black, but those words hurt and I always felt the need to prove myself. In high school, my mom let me decide what I wanted to do with my hair, trying to be like everyone else, trying to fit in, I decided to get a perm. Then got a little too carried away and started curling my hair almost every other day. People always saw me as a saint, miss do-good, so I also tried to let go of those perceptions as well in any way that I could, dressing like others and using languages that others did. Because being different bothered me to my core.

Last month, I finally shared an original spoken word about my battle with finding myself. It didn’t go into detail, barely touched the surface, but that was a step for me. And recognizing how these past situations have affected me are also a part of my journey. However, I have never been so in love with myself. I am different. I am not like anyone else, and that is fine. I have natural hair again, praise God. I wear what I want and I LOVE the complexion of my skin. I also voice MY OPINION in MY OWN WAY, regardless of what others believe or how they feel. I am not perfect, in any way. And most importantly, I am still growing, every day. Still getting better and becoming more accepting. But no matter what, I am so proud of the woman I am and the woman I am growing to be.

This was super long, but I have shared all of this for a purpose. Some people think i have everything figured out, that I just have everything and have always had things my way. But that is not my reality. It’s what you perceive. Like I said before, people’s opinions do not matter. Because if we try to please them or care about what they say/think, that would be a lifelong process.

Hopefully this post impacted you, even in the slightest way. Stop, take a moment and love yourself today. Be kind and patient with yourself. Don’t listen to what others say.  One of my favorite authors stated, “What matters most is how you see yourself.” And this statement is so true, because we are all beautiful in our own way. But YOU, yourself, have to see this beauty.

It may be Skincare Sunday, but also remember, it’s Self-Love Sunday, as well. So love yourself a little harder today.