My mind has been wandering all week about what I should write about, so much so that when I was studying for one of my finals, I wanted to stop and write a blog. I had a topic in mind, but I didn’t want to “go there.” But here I am going there. And if you know me, like really know me, you know that this going there isn’t easy for me. It’s scary to share but I hope that it helps any of you reading this.

I’ve never been one to not be in tune with my feelings. Unless it means sharing with others, that’s something I don’t do. I don’t want to appear weak. But being in tune with your feelings, expressing them and not pushing them aside is actually a sign of strength and not weakness. So here goes, here’s my story.

I have never been one to “fit in” with the “in” crowd. And I am about to tell you why. I was always bullied, beginning in elementary school. I was natural back before natural became a part of popular culture. Meaning, I was one of few natural girls in school, meaning I only got my hair straightened once a month if that. Now, imagine if all of the girls have perms (or relaxers, whichever term you prefer) and you’re the one rocking that puffy pony tail which was considered “nappy.” I’ll never forget one day on the bus when it was raining and I was sitting in the last seat on the bus next to the window, next to one of the baddest boys in my third grade class. He told me to put the window up, but this was my first time on the bus, I didn’t know how to, and didn’t want to try & fail. So I sat there. Even though he was about to get off, even though it wasn’t raining hard, even though he was bald, he said, “Well it doesn’t matter cause your head is nappy anyways so get wet.” I was in the third grade and those words stung so bad and stayed with me longer than I knew.

In middle school, I got picked on for being “too light,” which made me self-conscious about my skin and myself in general. My skin color was compared to packets of mustard and my “blackness” was questioned. It shouldn’t have bothered me, because I know that I am black, but those words hurt and I always felt the need to prove myself. In high school, my mom let me decide what I wanted to do with my hair, trying to be like everyone else, trying to fit in, I decided to get a perm. Then got a little too carried away and started curling my hair almost every other day. People always saw me as a saint, miss do-good, so I also tried to let go of those perceptions as well in any way that I could, dressing like others and using languages that others did. Because being different bothered me to my core.

Last month, I finally shared an original spoken word about my battle with finding myself. It didn’t go into detail, barely touched the surface, but that was a step for me. And recognizing how these past situations have affected me are also a part of my journey. However, I have never been so in love with myself. I am different. I am not like anyone else, and that is fine. I have natural hair again, praise God. I wear what I want and I LOVE the complexion of my skin. I also voice MY OPINION in MY OWN WAY, regardless of what others believe or how they feel. I am not perfect, in any way. And most importantly, I am still growing, every day. Still getting better and becoming more accepting. But no matter what, I am so proud of the woman I am and the woman I am growing to be.

This was super long, but I have shared all of this for a purpose. Some people think i have everything figured out, that I just have everything and have always had things my way. But that is not my reality. It’s what you perceive. Like I said before, people’s opinions do not matter. Because if we try to please them or care about what they say/think, that would be a lifelong process.

Hopefully this post impacted you, even in the slightest way. Stop, take a moment and love yourself today. Be kind and patient with yourself. Don’t listen to what others say.  One of my favorite authors stated, “What matters most is how you see yourself.” And this statement is so true, because we are all beautiful in our own way. But YOU, yourself, have to see this beauty.

It may be Skincare Sunday, but also remember, it’s Self-Love Sunday, as well. So love yourself a little harder today.