“God will break you to position you.
He will break you to promote you
And break you to put you in your right place
But when He breaks you He doesn’t hurt you, He doesn’t
When He breaks you He doesn’t destroy you, He does it with; grace”
– Tasha Cobbs Leonard, Gracefully Broken

I am a true believer that God will break you to position you and to place you in your right place. He has a plan for all of us. However, we can become distracted from God’s plan by our own wants, desires, and personal “needs.” And sometimes, the only way for us to hear God is for us to be broken. Sunday, my pastor spoke on how some of us like to control the narrative. I felt very convicted. I love going after my personal wants and desires and I love being in control. But if you re-read those previous sentences, they are filled with a lot “I.” However, there is a calling on my life. Therefore, very rarely are things ever truly about what I want but more-so about what God has called me to and planned for my life.

God has broken me every time I lose sight of him and HIS plan. I allow other things to consume me and become my only source of happiness and joy. I lose perspective. Instead of recognizing God blessed me with this happiness, this joy, these material things, these people, etc. I don’t, until it’s too late. Therefore, I believe whenever God sees I have started controlling my narrative, he gives me a little tap on the shoulder to get back in alignment with him. However, me being the stubborn person I am, I ignore the tap. But he taps me again and again, but I still ignore. Until I can ignore no longer. So God HAS to break me for me to acknowledge him, his calling, and his plan. 

Before I go any further, to be clear, I am not saying that God does not want me to be happy. That would be a lie! But he does want me to acknowledge him in ALL things, at ALL times. And when I become distracted or consumed by other things, I don’t always do this because I become selfish.

On Wednesday, June 10th God broke me. June 10, 2020 marked a year since my grandma was called home. At 11:50 PM on June 9th, I reflected on her life through prayer. Then, I praised and worshipped in her name. I tried to sleep, but was pretty restless. I woke up & worked my 8 – 5. I thought I was okay. A few friends sent me some messages that made me tear up, but I still felt okay. When 5:00 hit, I tried to take a nap because I only wanted to talk to one person and was waiting for them to get off work. But I could NOT sleep. I was restless. Eventually, I sat up on my couch. Then all of the emotions I felt and buried within flooded me. Feelings of sadness, frustration, pain, doubt, and worry hit me. But the biggest feeling was despair. And I could not stop crying or feeling that despair.

Normally, I would keep this all in. I would write a vague blog post and not tell anyone about this really. However, that night I reached out to the few people I truly trust to open up to. And I opened up. Unfortunately, later this same night, I lost my best friend. The one person I’ve ever truly been completely vulnerable with and shared my 100% honest thoughts and feelings, always. And so that created a whole other wound.

Normally, I would go through the motions and pretend I am okay. I’d act like things are all copacetic. But things aren’t, not right now. I’m not in any danger or harm. And I acknowledge that I am blessed. But, I am also acknowledging the not so good as well. I’m not burying these moments or feelings any longer. God wants me to acknowledge my current state. I am broken. I am not destroyed. I am hurt. But I WILL heal.

I was feeling pretty down about myself. But I am SO thankful for God creating me the way that he did. I am an empath. Emotions and feelings are important to me. So much so, that I only show MY feelings and true emotions with those who I trust 100% completely. Therefore, if you know me on this level, you know how emotional I can be. The devil wanted me to think my sensitivity and connection to my emotions was a burden. But it’s a blessing. Not everyone is able, and everyone won’t understand me on this level. I’m still better understanding this aspect of myself. But God makes no mistakes. My emotions allow me to care and love as deeply as I do, and I can’t ever regret or feel bad about that.

I am being very raw and vulnerable with God and myself. I am examining and analyzing. I am listening. I am being slow to speak and striving to be more obedient to his calling for me. Sometimes I may feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness & despair, but that’s the enemy trying to prey on my vulnerability in this time. God isn’t done with me yet; he’s positioning me to my right place. But this time, I will do better and always acknowledge him first, always.

Life won’t always go the way we want it to go. Some things will hurt and shake us to the core. However, these things don’t have to be the end of our journey. We don’t have to rush through our process of healing either. It’s okay to be gracefully broken or just broken. We must acknowledge the feelings and situations we don’t wish to speak on, that hurt us more than words can describe. But, we must also acknowledge that the storm won’t last always & we will be better, maybe not today or tomorrow but one day.