Happy Self-Love Sunday!
It is officially my favorite month of the year, my birthday month! So this month, as I begin to enter into the next chapter of my life, I wanted to do something different with my self-love & word Wednesday series. I’m coming to you all even more raw and uncut than before, I will touch on this shortly. I hope you all are able to relate and benefit from this as much as I will. Love you all & hope you have an amazing week.

So I am working on being open and transparent. I want to touch lives, but I can’t do that without transparency and honesty. This topic has been on my mind for a while.  I didn’t want to title it so bluntly, but there is no reason to sugar coat the subject. And like I said, I am coming to you all raw and uncut. I never knew when I would be able to actually write about this topic. But I kept thinking about it and thinking about it AND brushing it off to the side. Even with writing this blog today, I said I would skip having a blog today in order to avoid touching this subject. But God is saying now is the time, so here we go.

 

Grief. Grief is such a sensitive topic. But it is something everyone will experience at one point or another in their lives. I do not think that I have ever truly grieved someone until my grandmother passed away this summer. We live in a society where death and dying are talked about for as little as possible and then we move on, back to our regularly scheduled programs. Of course I have been sad before and cried my little heart out when someone passed away. But all of those deaths I experienced during my adolescence where I was still trying to wrap my head around death and God at the time. My uncle passed away while I was in college and it definitely hit home for me. But maybe I was able to keep it moving because I was distracted by college and all the responsibilities I held. However, these distractions did not exist when my grandmother passed away.

On June 10, 2019 my life was changed forever. People say this all the time, but now I truly knew what these words meant. I graduated from college in May and moved into my first apartment on June 7th. So June 10th, was my first official day living alone and independent. While my parents helped me move in, my mom received a call from my uncle saying my grandmother wasn’t eating anything. So my grandmother was heavy on my mind. I started work on June 17th and I really had nothing to do this week of June 10th but rest and prepare for the working world. I woke up, unpacked a little and found myself taking a nap, out of boredom. I abruptly woke up from my nap because I had this urgent feeling of locating my phone because I literally had no idea where it was and it was on silent. And I wanted to locate my phone urgently because something was telling me something was wrong with my grandma. I found my phone and had no missed calls, so I turned it on vibrate, back on DND and resumed my nap. However, the next time I woke up was because someone was calling me. It so happened to be my mom and it so happened to be the news that the Lord called my grandmother home.

At first, I was truly in disbelief. I heard my mom, but it just all sounded so unreal. Plans were made and her funeral was the Saturday before I started my job. I was trying so desperately to hold myself together, but on the inside I was a complete mess. I wanted to honor my grandmother because she truly impacted my life so I wrote a poem to read at her funeral. When I walked on stage to read the poem, I attempted to open my mouth and I could not speak. Eventually, my dad had to walk on stage to consult me as tears streamed down my face and I tried to push through to honor my love. After my grandmother’s funeral and repass, I had to travel back to my apartment to get ready for my first day of work. While I did have the distraction of work to take my mind off things, it did not last long. This is because since I was living alone, I had a lot of downtime to just sit with my thoughts. And I was truly grieving, I thought that I got myself together so I would be work ready, but I hadn’t. I only subdued how I really felt. What made this even worse is that family members and friends who always said they loved and cared for me, were nowhere to be found in the immediate months after her passing when I could not truly get myself together. Of course, me being me, I gathered myself together and got what I needed to get done without showing any emotions unless asked how I was doing. But then, I offered a generic response depending on who it was.

I am writing all of this to stay that grief is a process! Do not let anyone rush you through your grief, whatever it is. Sometimes people try to listen and offer advice that is not the best advice to someone grieving.  I have had friends tell me something was wrong with me because I was grieving and not my jovial self. I’ve had family members abandon me for the very reason, too. Take your time to reflect in your feelings and cope with your loss. Honestly, I am still in my grieving process, I have good moments & bad moments. But I have noticed that I am making progress in my process, day by day. I am not writing this for you all to feel inclined to console me. I am writing this to share my experience in hopes that it may touch someone else who may feel crazy for feeling these same thoughts. Even though it may seem like it, you are not alone. You are not the only one in the world grieving and while your pain may seem to hard or heavy to bear, you can bear it. Your loved one wants you to continue fighting and to make something of yourself. It isn’t easy, but it is worth it. Do it in honor of them.

It is okay to cry, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to feel how you feel. Because after a while, in your sadness, you will remember that your loved one is forever with you. Though, they have left this physical earth, they will always be with you spiritually, like a guardian angel. And that is how I see all of my loved ones who are no longer on this earth. They are watching over me each and every day and I can only hope that I am making them proud. Remember, grieving is a process. If people can not accept you for where you are in your process, maybe they are not meant to go any further with you. Also remember, there is nothing wrong with you for grieving! It is okay to feel how you feel and remember those you’ve loved. But also remember, they are always with you and are in a much better place.

Today, I write this for you, Hattie- Mae Dickerson Boyd. I write this for all my loved ones who are no longer here. I remember you and I honor you. You are gone, but never forgotten. Thank you for loving me and impacting me the way that you did. May I carry your legacy on.