Happy Self-Love Sunday!
It is officially my favorite month of the year, my birthday month! So this month, as I begin to enter into the next chapter of my life, I wanted to do something different with my self-love & word Wednesday series. I’m coming to you all even more raw and uncut than before, I will touch on this shortly. I hope you all are able to relate and benefit from this as much as I will. Love you all & hope you have an amazing week.

So I am working on being open and transparent. I want to touch lives, but I can’t do that without transparency and honesty. This topic has been on my mind for a while.  I didn’t want to title it so bluntly, but there is no reason to sugar coat the subject. And like I said, I am coming to you all raw and uncut. I never knew when I would be able to actually write about this topic. But I kept thinking about it and thinking about it AND brushing it off to the side. Even with writing this blog today, I said I would skip having a blog today in order to avoid touching this subject. But God is saying now is the time, so here we go.

Grief. Grief is such a sensitive topic. But it is something everyone will experience at one point or another in their lives. I do not think that I have ever truly grieved someone until my grandmother passed away this summer. We live in a society where death and dying are talked about for as little as possible and then we move on, back to our regularly scheduled programs. Of course I have been sad before and cried my little heart out when someone passed away. But all of those deaths I experienced during my adolescence where I was still trying to wrap my head around death and God at the time. My uncle passed away while I was in college and it definitely hit home for me. But maybe I was able to keep it moving because I was distracted by college and all the responsibilities I held. However, these distractions did not exist when my grandmother passed away.

On June 10, 2019 my life was changed forever. People say this all the time, but now I truly knew what these words meant. I graduated from college in May and moved into my first apartment on June 7th. So June 10th, was my first official day living alone and independent. While my parents helped me move in, my mom received a call from my uncle saying my grandmother wasn’t eating anything. So my grandmother was heavy on my mind. I started work on June 17th and I really had nothing to do this week of June 10th but rest and prepare for the working world. I woke up, unpacked a little and found myself taking a nap, out of boredom. I abruptly woke up from my nap because I had this urgent feeling of locating my phone because I literally had no idea where it was and it was on silent. And I wanted to locate my phone urgently because something was telling me something was wrong with my grandma. I found my phone and had no missed calls, so I turned it on vibrate, back on DND and resumed my nap. However, the next time I woke up was because someone was calling me. It so happened to be my mom and it so happened to be the news that the Lord called my grandmother home.

At first, I was truly in disbelief. I heard my mom, but it just all sounded so unreal. Plans were made and her funeral was the Saturday before I started my job. I was trying so desperately to hold myself together, but on the inside I was a complete mess. I wanted to honor my grandmother because she truly impacted my life so I wrote a poem to read at her funeral. When I walked on stage to read the poem, I attempted to open my mouth and I could not speak. Eventually, my dad had to walk on stage to consult me as tears streamed down my face and I tried to push through to honor my love. After my grandmother’s funeral and repass, I had to travel back to my apartment to get ready for my first day of work. While I did have the distraction of work to take my mind off things, it did not last long. This is because since I was living alone, I had a lot of downtime to just sit with my thoughts. And I was truly grieving, I thought that I got myself together so I would be work ready, but I hadn’t. I only subdued how I really felt. What made this even worse is that family members and friends who always said they loved and cared for me, were nowhere to be found in the immediate months after her passing when I could not truly get myself together. Of course, me being me, I gathered myself together and got what I needed to get done without showing any emotions unless asked how I was doing. But then, I offered a generic response depending on who it was.

I am writing all of this to stay that grief is a process! Do not let anyone rush you through your grief, whatever it is. Sometimes people try to listen and offer advice that is not the best advice to someone grieving.  I have had friends tell me something was wrong with me because I was grieving and not my jovial self. I’ve had family members abandon me for the very reason, too. Take your time to reflect in your feelings and cope with your loss. Honestly, I am still in my grieving process, I have good moments & bad moments. But I have noticed that I am making progress in my process, day by day. I am not writing this for you all to feel inclined to console me. I am writing this to share my experience in hopes that it may touch someone else who may feel crazy for feeling these same thoughts. Even though it may seem like it, you are not alone. You are not the only one in the world grieving and while your pain may seem to hard or heavy to bear, you can bear it. Your loved one wants you to continue fighting and to make something of yourself. It isn’t easy, but it is worth it. Do it in honor of them.

It is okay to cry, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to feel how you feel. Because after a while, in your sadness, you will remember that your loved one is forever with you. Though, they have left this physical earth, they will always be with you spiritually, like a guardian angel. And that is how I see all of my loved ones who are no longer on this earth. They are watching over me each and every day and I can only hope that I am making them proud. Remember, grieving is a process. If people can not accept you for where you are in your process, maybe they are not meant to go any further with you. Also remember, there is nothing wrong with you for grieving! It is okay to feel how you feel and remember those you’ve loved. But also remember, they are always with you and are in a much better place.

Today, I write this for you, Hattie- Mae Dickerson Boyd. I write this for all my loved ones who are no longer here. I remember you and I honor you. You are gone, but never forgotten. Thank you for loving me and impacting me the way that you did. May I carry your legacy on.

Happy Self-Love Sunday!

I wanted to write about a number of topics today. So many things have been running through my mind that I felt would be great blog content. I planned on waking up this morning, typing my blog, and posting it before church started. However, God literally had other plans. As I was getting ready this morning, I had an epiphany while having a discussion with a friend. This epiphany, that my friend has no idea occurred, led to me wanting to write about a particular topic. I then decided to write the blog after church. At church, I received several confirmations about this topic that I will be sharing with you all today. God confirmed that this is what HE wanted me to write about and share. So here’s to another self-love Sunday, enjoy!

I experienced a revelation in the midst of talking to my friend this morning as I got ready. Really, the revelation came as I analyzed our conversation. I realized that I’ve been in a weird stage in my life for a while now. And ultimately, this stage has involved me attempting to figure things out. Up until now, I thought that I was figuring things out in my life. However, I realized that MY figuring things out involved what I thought was either best for me or what I deemed as a solution, but NOT what God has planned for me. So safe to say, figuring it out hasn’t been going the best for me lol.

During church, I received confirmation that I should write this topic today. During praise and worship, one of the song’s discussed how the battle is the Lord’s. Then, the sermon for today discussed what do I do for my next and your personal story. This sermon literally touched my heart in so many ways. I could just relate. As Pastor Johnson Bowie began to share his personal story he said, “I don’t know if you’ve ever had a plan for your life and then that door closes and now you’re like, who am I?” And I felt these words along with almost EVERY word he and his wife preached went so well with how I wanted to discuss, figuring things out.

I am a planner. Always have been. Therefore, I had a plan for my life. Or what I thought would be the plan for my life. My junior year and senior year of college, God took what I thought was the end-all be-all plan for my life and threw it away. Thus, invoking the question, “who am I?” See, he knew that the plans I had weren’t what he had planned for me, but I didn’t. I thought my plan came from God, but it came from me. And if your plan isn’t of him and from him, it may last temporarily, but don’t expect it to be the permanent plan for your life. When we become comfortable or so focused on what we want that we no longer move forward, God has to make us so uncomfortable that we begin to walk again. And he cleans our ears out, so that they can be tuned to him. It’s up to us to make the choice to listen or not. And if you don’t listen, the cycle will just continue until you do. Trust me, I know.

I entered into my senior year of college so broken. I tried to suppress my feelings and keep it moving because so many people were dependent on me for so many things. After months of brokenness, right before graduation, God placed a plan before me for life after college. I thought with this newfound plan that I needed to be completely whole to succeed. So I attempted to put my pieces back together BUT as Pastor Johnson also mentioned in church today, “we are incapable of putting our broken pieces together again to make something beautiful, only God can.” The epiphany I had this morning was in regards to me figuring things out for my life, but when I went to church I realized that I’ve really been trying to put my own broken pieces together. And things haven’t been working out, because I haven’t let GOD put my pieces back together. I haven’t fully admitted to all of the emotions and feelings that I have felt and currently feel so that I can allow him to heal me. After praise and worship, God spoke to me. During the sermon, he spoke to me. And when the sermon was over and we were praying, God spoke to me and the tears just fell from my face. I am sharing all of this to say, that you do not have to have it all figured out.  You certainly can not figure it all out on your own. Allow God to work in your life. Allow him to put you back together if you need. Allow him to have his way. Today, I am challenging myself to let God put my pieces back together again.

Figuring things out isn’t a linear process and it involves someone greater than ourselves. Waiting for God’s word and timing is not easy! It won’t happen like you want nor will it happen when you want. But, that is why faith is so important. Have faith knowing that it will happen. Remain faithful in the waiting. Good things take time. You couldn’t graduate from college until you completed elementary, middle school, high school (or received a GED), and your college curriculum. There’s always a process and order. We just may not see this process or understand it, but I truly believe God knows what is best and is working it all out for our good. Today, I challenge you all to listen to God and let him move in your life. I’m letting go of my pride and letting my guard down, to let God put my pieces back together. Will you let him work in your life, too?