On May 23, 2017, this blog was curated and presented to the world. Today, I celebrate 4 years of it’s existence.
I know many of you are probably wondering where have I been? You’ve been seeing A Word Wednesday videos but you have not seen any blogs, in a really long time. Well to be honest with you, I haven’t felt motivated nor inspired to write. And for me, that is the whole purpose of this blog. I can’t give you all content just to give content and check off a to-do list. This content always has to be meaningful to me and come from my heart. Because how can I expect you all to relate to something I say when I am just writing to write and not saying how I truly feel?
I think another reason I have not written in such a long time is that I began to feel censored. Someone began to state that I was writing blogs that didn’t sound happy or like myself and therefore, something must be wrong with me. And it has taken me this long to really process those comments. Because they have truly missed the purpose and point of this blog. This blog has always been my safe space, a safe space for all really. A way for me to share my own feelings and experiences and it’s always been a bonus that others have been able to reach out saying that they can relate in some shape or form. However, my truth is my truth and my feelings are my feelings. Everyone can’t and won’t always understand or accept that. But I will no longer fear the thoughts of others and will continue to be as vulnerable as I can be and continue to write blogs from a place of passion and love. Passion and love that has been restored and therefore, I can present to you today’s blog — Exhaustion.
This blog has really been months in the making. I initially began writing it in February and then lost the nerve or motivation to continue. But here we are and it’s going to be posted today! And I think it’s nice to see how my feelings have elevated and changed from then to now and I can’t wait to share.
Back in February, someone used the word exhausting to describe how talking to me can be. This word rang in my head for weeks and it really resonated and hit home for me. Because it was not the first time I’ve heard this word and my name used together in a sentence. And it got me thinking. Is this how people truly perceive me? Especially in all my relationships (parents, family, friends, significant others)? Am I just exhausting? Because that is never my intention. I know I have moments where I can be a lot and do a lot. But don’t we all? Can’t we all be? And not too long after all these thoughts ran through my head, I ran across this picture on Instagram (picture below).
And this picture spoke volumes to me. I know that my generation LOVES to throw around the word toxic lol. But I feel this picture really adds value to this beloved word, toxic. Everyone is capable of being toxic – whether intentionally or unintentionally. However, it’s all about whether or not you have the desire to be educated so that you can hold yourself accountable and do better. And I feel all of these go hand in hand with being exhausting.
We all are capable of being exhausting or becoming exhausted, whether intentionally or unintentionally. But we have to be brave enough to examine ourselves and our actions so that we can hold ourselves accountable and move forward to do better. I get exhausted by people and some responsibilities I have. And I know that I have to take time for myself so that I can rest and gather my thoughts. That person I may find exhausting may be dealing with their own problems and may not be able to vocalize them properly. That person may not have any other human interactions and may look forward to pouring out all their feelings to me and rather than me listening, I may write them off due to my own problems. You never know what someone else may be dealing with or even thinking. You never know how heavy your words can be to them.
So yes, I may be exhausting. But I know myself and my worth. Someone may find me exhausting and someone else may find me lovable, courageous, strong, etc. Different strokes for different folks as they say. And just because someone may misunderstand me, doesn’t mean that their definition truly defines who I am entirely. I know that I can be a lot, but I know that I also deal with a lot. And I know that I can hold myself accountable for my shortcomings all while loving my perfectly imperfect self. Those that matter won’t mind (or understand) and those who matter, don’t mind. That is life. Everyone isn’t meant to be in your life. And that is A-OKAY. And some people are here for seasons to teach you some lesson and leave. This person helped to ignite the fire inside of me to write and to appreciate me for who I am – and not trying to be who anyone else wants me to be. I was exhausted by all of my roles and responsibilities, yet I still wanted to do it all even though I had no energy, and still wanted people who barely know me to like me. But for what?
This blog is entitled exhaustion because exhaustion is REAL. It can be brought upon by being tired of people, things, activities, and so much more. This blog is also entitled exhaustion because months ago, in February, someone reminded me that I can be exhausting. An adjective that really hit me hard when used to describe myself. But also opened up food for thought for myself, especially about some things I never really pondered on too long. I needed to take accountability for my past actions in people’s lives, especially when I’ve hurt others or ran them off. I didn’t realize then that I needed to hear these words in order to hold myself accountable and move forward. But I did. The word exhausting brought about a much-needed lesson and reminder for me.
I think it is important to REST, RESET, and REFOCUS when you can, as often as needed. And I challenge you all to remember that people will always have something to say about you, whether it is negative or positive. And if anything else, you must remain true to yourself. Hold yourself accountable and use your past mistakes and behavior as a lesson to do better and be better moving forward. And above all else, remember to love yourself ALWAYS because you deserve to be loved.
